chalk hearts and eyeliner

A couple of days ago, I was given a candy heart during lunch at school by one of my friends. I have to tell you the truth- I really hate and love those hearts. Hate: they taste like chalk. Love: they're pretty adorable if it's Valentine's Day. Anyway...people were passing them out. I don't remember the reason, or even why they were being sold and bought in stores in the middle of January.

So. You know these "conversation hearts" as Necco calls them usually say fun stuff like, "Let's kiss!" or "True Love!" as you can see in the picture to the left. But the one I happened to have said something I've never gotten on a candy heart before.

It said "Sure Love."
ps. There's actually a heart in the picture that says that. Find it.
What does that even mean?

Here are three well-thought out possibilities.

#1) Does it mean..."Sure, love! Hey cool! You love me? What a coincidence! I love you too!"
#2) Does it mean, "Sure...love..." in a sarcastic way?
#3) Or does it mean "Sure love. I'm completely confident in this love."

You know...it's really funny. People say it's the small things that get you in life. The little things that bring you up and down. I must have had too much time on my hands, because I thought about this for a long time. Boy-wise: I've been screwed over. I've had some experiences that I'd rather not revisit, ever. They make me too sad, or too weirded out. Every time I've gotten myself into something, however, I've gone in with expectations. Not high, not low...just expectations. A blank slate, if you will. Going in with that, anything can happen. And just think about it...anything WILL happen if you want it too/let it.
But there's one thing I am COMPLETELY sure of. You can't be completely sure of love. You can't be completely confident in it. And no, I am not just being teenagery and angsty. I mean this in the truest sort of way. There's nothing in life you can be completely sure of. It's not life, and you're definitely not living it if there are some things that come out wrong. There's got to be things in life that you're not sure of. Love being the extreme of that.

So here's something I've been thinking about, as well. You are "in love." Yes. Okay. I believe you. But I also DON'T believe that if you're my age, you and your boyfriend "love each other" after one month of going out. That is not sure love. Love is developmental. Love does not take one month. At our age, it could most likely be lust. But not love. I'm happy for you, sure. You may actually even love each other. It might not take that long. If so, that's wonderful. If not...just watch out.


I was with a group of friends last night. Some close, some not as much. I'm not going to say specifics, because it's possible (not probable or plausible) but possible that one of them might read and see this. Wait. Actually...honestly...I don't care. So here goes.
Finding out about someone, after not knowing them at all, ie: never going to school with them, only hung out casually a couple times, et cetera, is a completely different way to get to know someone. It takes you back. Takes you back a few dozen steps, and you see them in a completely new light. Everything seemed so new. You can make a new impression, being whatever you want to be. Weird.

My friend used me as a canvas last night. She loves makeup, and wanted to put some on me. I don't wear a huge amount of makeup by any standards. A little eyeliner here and there. She put on...well...a lot. I did it to make her happy, ha ha. She really likes makeup, and I don't care, so why not. She looked at me when she was done and said, "It's a lot. I don't know if you'll like it. But. If you were at a rave, you'd be the girl who when the music got to a really intense moment, everyone would notice you. All the girls would stare. And hate you. And a guy would walk towards you and suddenly everything would snap back into place. Well...you look like a hooker. But in the best possible way." Ohhhkay! Thank you for that! Nah, I'm kidding. It's totally fine. Needless to say, I ended up taking off some of it and then actually really liking the way I looked. So thank you.

Wow, what a load of tangents. I don't know why I'm writing all of this. I don't know if anyone will see this. I don't know if anyone will see this and/or understand it.

I should be taking notes for English class tomorrow. Shit. Oh well...
But actually: I have the reason for all this writing.

You made an impression on me.
I can't like it.
I don't know if I DO like it.
I'm not allowed.
I am not going to do this again.
But I can't stop.
Won't stop.

Have a good week. I hope that you will feel better than I do right now.
Sure love.
Bye xx.

Song of the Day: Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley

Sleep.

I really, really, really need it.

Song of the Day: The Boxer - Simon and Garfunkel

Popcorn.

Did you know, instead of using the crappy microwave stuff, that you can just put regular kernels in a regular paper bag in the microwave? And it doesn't taste like chemicals?
Personally, I like popcorn when you make it on the stove. The ol' school way. Hell yeah.

In other, completely random news...

1. I got a hamster last night. Well, see, it WAS my brother's hamster originally, but then it started, like, beating up the other one...it was too scary.So I adopted the mean one! Even though she's not mean at all! She's really nice! Yah. So now I have a zoo, basically, in my room. Just me, a leopard gecko and a dwarf hamster. WOO!
2. I just talked to my best friend. Who I haven't seen in AGES. Because because because she's really busy and we live in different towns. I love her too much for words.
   
3. I'm about to go to my grandparent's house. Fo' PIZZA! We've had that tradition since fo'ever.
4. My socks, which are neon blue, have holes in them. My toes are cold.
5. My back hurts. Hmm. I wonder why. Maybe because I'm sitting in an inhuman like position.
6. The song "Lucky" by Britney Spears is running through my head. Oooookay....
7. I watched the movie "Monsoon Wedding" today and it was fantastic.
   

Yeah. Today was really strange. But I am strange as well. So I suppose it was a perfect fit.
Have an awesome night. Don't do anything I wouldn't do.
...actually, do whatever you want.

Bye. xx

Song of the Day: The Bitch of Living - Spring Awakening

Hats Off to Day's Off.

I had off from school today. Why?-I was asked. Who knows. I guess it was to signify the end of the first semester.
Wow. The end of the first semester. I honestly can't believe it. I started my new school this year after a shaky last year-I was doing well academically, but my parents [and myself, by the end of the year] didn't think that the teaching was up to par. Cue the huge change in Shana's life. It's weird, and going to sound cliche, but I actually found out how honest and true people are. I lost a lot of people I used to care about by making the change, but now I find that I've found more than I could have hoped for.

Best decision of my life.

I've decided to start this blog as a new part of my life gets underway. Now since I know what I'm facing at my school, I am feeling better and better about being myself. I even started playing piano again, after...how many years? Close to five, I think. I found it's actually a great stress reliever to just sit down at the piano and play, and I feel the minutes rushing by. Compared to alto sax and clarinet, it takes considerately less strength. So. Yeah.

Here's to turning over a new page. I hope you had a good day, even if you were at school :).
Bye. xx

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Song of the Day: Come On Get Higher - Matt Nathanson