Ain't Got No Mind (Lost It)

My life lately has been ridiculous:
[ri-dik-yuh-luhs] –adjective
causing or worthy of ridicule or derision; absurd; preposterous; laughable: a ridiculous plan.
Synonyms: nonsensical, ludicrous, funny, droll, comical, farcical. See absurd.

Haaaaaaa. I even use the word absurd SO often now.
I can't string my thoughts together correctly right now because of lack of sleep, lots of homework, someone, my friends' problems, and the fact that I find out if I get into Wesleyan tomorrow. Okay. Let's go through each of those things and let's try our BEST not to laugh uncontrollably at Shana while she writes terribly (and probably boring-ly) about her life. LET'S GO!

1) Lack of Sleep. Recently, despite not having a terrible amount of homework, I've been staying up later than ever. It may be because I'm just nervous about a lot of things right now, but I also feel different this year than I did last year. It's started to hit me that I won't be seeing my friends after SHITWHATTHEFUCK 6 months minus one day. June 11th is graduation. Jeez. Anyway, Skype has been calling my name night after night and I just can't seem to get off of it. It's not even that I'm not getting my work done, it's just that I'm doing it waaaaaaaaay later. Like at 2 instead of 10. Mmm. Healthy. Now I just constantly feel in limbo. AND NO I WAS NOT MAKING AN INCEPTION REFERENCE YOU STUPID PEOPLE WHO LIKED THAT MOVIE. (Oh, what? Did I just insult ALL of you? I apologize. Please keep reading anyway. Ha) I kinda feel like I'm floating through life, but it's not that I'm not noticing or participating in things, it just feels more easy-going in a way, which is a feeling I canNOT reconcile with all of the stress right now.

2) Lots of Homework. Two sentence: I ALWAYS POST ON THIS BLOG WHEN I HAVE A LOT OF HOMEWORK I SHOULD BE DOING. It will get done right after this. :D Maaaaaybe

3) Someone. Augh. I hate feeling like a teenager so much. I really do. I just wish I was in control of some things that I'm not and I wish that I hadn't gotten myself into this position. It's making me kind of depressed. And I know that NO ONE knows who this is about and why and stuff but that's totally fine with me, I just wanted to write some completely incoherent sentences about it. I'm just really lonely (AWWWWWW, TEENAGE ANGST WOOOOO) and this is kind of hard.

4) My Friends' Problems. They're killing me. The problems, not my friends. I have this issue that I need my friends to be happy, and when they aren't, even though I'm not involved fully or necessarily important to the issue, it hurts me so much. I don't even care about my own problems when my friends have issues. All I want to do is see them smile. Also, there's an upside to caring so much: when good things start happening, they make me so joyous. Ex. When Dylan got into Northwestern, I started crying.
AND I KNOW I KNOW I NEVER MENTION NAMES, but...that's just a jab at him. YEAH, DYLAN, SEE WHAT I DO FOR YOU!? ...Wanna be roomies?

5) The Fact. Okay. I applied ED to Wesleyan University. Both of my parents went there, but I'm not just interested in it because of that. In fact, I HATE the fact that they both went there because whenever I'm unsure about getting in or not, people always say, "Ohhhh, you're a legacy, don't worry." AND THAT PISSES ME THE FUCK OFF. If I want to succeed and get into a school, I want to get in BY MYSELF. WITH THE GOOD THINGS ABOUT ME. NOT THEM.
I mean, of course I'm glad they went and met, because if they didn't, I wouldn't exist...but moving on. The thing about this is that I'm not sure I should've applied ED. I know everyone has second guesses and stuff, but I do love other colleges too. So, I'm not gonna be too broken up if I didn't get in, and I'll find out 24 hours and 40 minutes from now. What the fuckity fuck. I mean, it'll be wonderful to get in. WONDERFUL. but...

What I've learned most about myself recently is that I'm extremely realistic. I don't even know how to explain why or how, but that's just it.

By the way the title of this blogpost is from a song from HAIR, the soundtrack which I am listening to now in full because I know every note, every lyric, every key change, and every scream or woop in every song. Somehow, that feels so reassuring, even when almost nothing else does.

Be peaceful, please.
Love,
Shana x

Song of the Day: Easy to be Hard- HAIR (I normally don't even love this song. So weird.)